When I pray, you answer me and encourage me by giving me the strength I need.
Psalm 138: 3 (TLB)
Recently, my family and I moved my mom into a nursing home. She suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and can no longer take care of herself.
Mom is a roamer. She cannot sit still and is constantly walking. I visit her often, and we spend our time together walking the halls of her new home. Because she can no longer form words, we walk in silence. Occasionally she will reach for my hand and at other times, I put my arm protectively around her.
These visits are emotionally hard, especially when it’s time for me to leave. I lean down to give her a kiss and tell her goodbye. She nods her head, turns and walks away.
As I leave the building, I turn to make sure she is not watching me. It’s easier this way. I then walk to my car where I break down in tears.
She has been in her new environment for a month now. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn’t. The struggle gets harder with each visit.
A few nights ago, I decided not to visit mom. I couldn’t bear the pain of leaving her again. But God nudged me, and I obediently went.
That night, we took the same silent walk through the halls, but when it was time for me to leave, mom did something different. Instead of walking away after saying our goodbyes, she walked with me to the door. She sat in a chair and watch me leave.
Did she think I was abandoning her? I can only hope she understands why it has to be this way.
Outside, I turned to see her in the window. Her face was expressionless as she stared at nothing. It was then the tears came, and my heart exploded in pain.
I ran to my car in frustration. I was angry and scared. All I wanted to do was run back inside and take mom home with me. But I knew that was not the best option for mom.
Instead, in this dark and heartbreaking moment, I reached out to Jesus. He came to me that night with open hands, and I gave him my frustration and anger over the present and my fear of the future.
And when I was done, he gave me something in return – peace.
Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way. Psalm 23: 4 (TLB)
Since that night, mom has not been miraculously healed and our situation has not changed. But I have God’s peace and assurance that he is walking through this trial with me. His strength will see me through it.
This week, I’m linking up with these great ladies:
Good Morning Monday | Monday Musings | Motivate and Rejuvenate Mondays | Sharing his Beauty Monday | Intentional Tuesday | RahRah Linkup | Tell his story | Testimony Tuesday | Wedded Wednesday | Woman to Woman Wednesday | Woman With Intention Wednesday | Faith Barista | Thought Provoking Thursday | Faith filled Friday | Fellowship Friday | Grace and Truth | The weekend brew | Susan B. Meade | Still Saturday