When we are weak, we are strong

“Arthritis,” the doctor said with a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry,” I said with a nervous laugh. “I thought you said I have arthritis.”

“I did,” she said.

Wait. Arthritis? That is something that only happens to people (insert cough here) older than me. This can’t be the right diagnosis. Maybe I twisted my knee and need to wear a brace for a few weeks. Then I will be good as new.

But the doctor was right. I have arthritis in my knee. And it hurts. I always pictured arthritis to be a dull pain in the muscles of the body. Nope. It’s actually pain coming from the joints. And it’s painful. Did I mention that?

The doctor explained that there is not much that can be done. The pain will come and go. It can could be triggered with changes in the weather, too much activity or not enough. It can also act up when sitting. Or standing. Or walking up stairs. Pretty much anytime.

I did some research and found an “Arthritis Index” on the Internet. It predicts pain levels that may be experienced based on the local weather.

I’m not sure how accurate this tool is but it’s an interesting concept.

What if we had a “life indicator” that would tell us when times of suffering will head our way? We could head those trials off and stop them in their tracks. No more worrying, only strategic planning to keep ourselves free from personal or physical pain.

Wouldn’t that be great?

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Well, no.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses – 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Paul was going through a season of affliction and asked God to take it away. But God did not.

There are two things we can learn from this:

It is through trials that we find God’s grace.
It is through trials that we learn to lean on God for his strength.

God’s grace and strength are what we need most.

Here are a few verses to help us when walking through personal or physical pain.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. – Romans 12:12 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. –Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

Seeing God in the storm

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So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – [biblegateway passage=”Isaiah 41:10″ display=”Isaiah 41:10″]

I sat beside my dad as he lay in a hospital bed in the critical care unit. I rested my head on the bed’s railing and held his hand in mine.

I thought back to a few days before when he told me about an upcoming fishing trip he was planning. He was excited to take this yearly trip that gave him rest and rejuvenated his mind and body.

Dad’s age has not stopped him from living an independent life while being the primary care giver to my mom who has Alzheimer’s disease.

I always knew that if something were to happen to dad, there would be tough decisions to be made about mom. She needs 24-hour care which myself and my siblings cannot provide.

The day dad went to the hospital, I did the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I moved mom to a nursing home.

For now, this is a temporary move . If dad recovers, he will continue to care for her. If not – well, I’m not ready to go there yet.

This heart-breaking choice haunts me. Mom, who has become the child in our relationship, now sleeps in an unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers. I asked her for forgiveness, but she did not understand my plea.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or if dad will recover. This dark valley I currently walk is filled with anxiety, stress and sadness. It is a place I walk knowing that life can change forever in the next moment.

If I were not in my shoes – if I were merely watching someone else’s life – I would feel sorry for them. I might even wonder where God is during all of this.

But I am not observing it. I am living it. And God is here with me.

Mom can no longer verbally communicate. The disease has taken that away from her. But God speaks through her. I see Him when her eyes light up at the sight of my dad and when she tenderly holds his hand in hers.

I see Him when dad tells me how much he loves me and when he makes me laugh even though he is in pain.

I see Him when mom reaches out her hand and puts it in mine.

I see Him when my husband manages our home in my absence.

I see Him in friends who reach out to make sure I am ok.

I see Him in my aunts who are acting in mom’s place to make sure I get enough rest.

And I see him in my siblings as we encourage and comfort each other.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. – [biblegateway passage=”Psalm 23:4″ display=”Psalm 23:4″]

With every step I take on this journey, God is constantly reminding me of his presence. He is holding me up and giving me the strength to walk.

And the best part is, He will never leave me.

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When fear overwhelms

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This weekend I will help my dad sort through years of memories as we decide what to keep or give away. Then we will pack those memories in boxes where they will be moved to a new location – the new home for mom and dad.

Both plagued with health issues, mom and dad need to live in a smaller environment with no steps. So they will be leaving their townhome and downsizing for the second time in ten years to an apartment.

This move will be difficult for me because they will be living almost an hour away. After my first visit, the long trip home will be longer, and I will have time to reflect on this change and the ones that came before it.

Over the past year, the Alzheimer’s disease has taken over mom’s body, making her more dependent on my dad, sister and I. She has slowly gone from being “mom” to “child”. Dad’s health is steady, but he, too, is relying more on us siblings.

Don’t let doubt hold you back

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The first time I walked onto a college campus, I was in my early thirties. Circumstances happened that changed my direction in life and pointed me towards an education.

On the first day, armed with books, notebooks and pencils, I walked across campus with anticipation of the new adventure I was beginning.

Then something happened. It came out of nowhere. Doubt. It took hold of me and planted its carefully crafted lie – I’m not smart enough. What was I doing here?

I stopped and looked around me. Hundreds of students strolled in different directions. Some walked in pairs and some walked in groups.

Most of them were younger than me. They were just babes – still innocent of the hardships this world can hand out. They walked by me with confident eyes, looking ahead to their destinations. They knew where they were going.

This season I am in

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I took a shirt from the hanger, held it up then threw it on a pile in the corner of the room. I went to the next shirt and did the same thing. I repeated this task until I finished inspecting all of the clothes hanging in the closet. As I did this, my mom stood behind me quietly watching as I decided the fate of her clothes.

My mom has Alzheimer’s and can no longer wear clothes with buttons or zippers. When my dad asked me to go through her clothes, I was not prepared for the emotions that would rush over me. Piece after piece, I was reminded of my beautiful mom – the woman who was always there for me when I needed her and showed me how to love the Lord.

Today, our roles have reversed – she is no longer the caregiver and I am no longer the child. Ecclesiastes says:

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

What season of life are you in today? Is it your time to grieve or celebrate? Every season in your life will prepare you for the next season. During those times, you will gain experience and wisdom so that God can use you to do his work.